Lily Allen Tells Interview Readers How to Have Sex With a Celebrity

Welcome to Seek Help, a new column where we enlist Interview’s wisest and weirdest friends to give us answers to life’s most profound questions. For this month’s installment, our Fall Issue star Lily Allen, who’s just dropped her first album in seven years, West End Girl, a burst of catharsis inspired by the dissolution of her marriage to David Harbour. Below, the pop star shares some of her hard-earned wisdom with our readers, who had questions about everything from Green Card marriages to sex toy hygiene.

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I keep ending up in homoerotic friendships with straight girls. How do I stop? 

I’m assuming this is a lesbian woman who keeps finding herself in entanglements with straight girls. I mean, I don’t know that you should stop. What’s the problem here? I think it’s fine. Just don’t overthink it and just keep doing what you’re doing. Have fun, right?

What is the best way to hook up with a celebrity? 

Well, I’ve only done this a couple of times and it’s been quite meticulously planned, so you have to kind of find yourself in a place where the celebrity thinks that they are discovering you, not the other way around. There was a particular celebrity that I was really after romantically and I looked at his touring schedule and he was going to be in Japan. So I made sure that I was at this festival and that I would be one of the very few English-speaking people at the same festival as him, which I guess made me interesting. Actually, both my celebrity hookups have been in Japan, but different celebrities.

I’m in a Green Card marriage. How do I prove to the government that our love is real? 

The fact that you’ve referred to your marriage as a green card marriage… I would’ve phrased the question, “I am married and trying to get a green card.” But if my memory serves me correctly, you have to show them early texts and photos in your iCloud and stuff. It’s pretty basic, all that good stuff from the beginning.

My boyfriend only wants to listen to “Country House” by Blur in bed. How do I convince him to play something else?

You need to get out of the relationship. My dad’s actually in the music video for that song, but I couldn’t get past that. I’m actually haunted by somebody that played Moby once when I was having sex with them in a hotel room and I can never, ever listen to Moby ever again. I find people’s music choices in the bedroom oddly repellent.

I continue to make promises that I can’t keep. What do I do?

I mean, stop making promises that you can’t keep and go to therapy. Look at the root of that one. That’s people-pleasing, correct? It might seem kind but it’s harmful behavior. Please stop.

My psychic told me that my friends are plotting against me. Should I confront them?

Your psychic is trying to isolate you from your friends and family so that they can take all of your money. I’d get rid of the psychic before you get rid of your friends and your family, but that’s just me.

I’ve accidentally racked up a $5,000 bill on my job’s company Amazon account. Is it too late to come clean? 

How do you accidentally do that? It’s quite hard to spend $5,000 on Amazon. I wouldn’t say anything, just hope for the best.

I ran into my boss at the dungeon I frequent. Should I address it on Monday? I’ll pretend it never happened.

No, I think “address” is the wrong word because that suggests that it’s a problem. I think that you should just be cool about it and be like, “Hey man, it’s nice to have seen you at the dungeon the other night.” Just play it cool because the danger is that they think that you know a secret that they know, and then they start internalizing it and penalizing you as a result. 

I can’t help but feel like my mom sees me as competition. How do I show her there’s no prize?

I don’t know how to answer this question. I’m going to pass.

Every girl I hook up with expects me to buy a new strap-on. Is this financially realistic? 

Well, I don’t know how much you earn. And I don’t know how many girls you’re hooking up with and with what kind of frequency? But I mean, I’d just wash them. Also, I don’t believe you.

My ChatGPT bot says I’m a good person. Should I believe him?

My ChatGPT also tells me that I’m a good person and I’m inclined to believe him, but I also know that my ChatGPT works for me. So he or she is unlikely to tell me otherwise unless they were really concerned, in which case they’d refer me to my psychiatrist. But I think we’re all good people, right? Sometimes we do bad things. It’s good that you’re talking to your ChatGPT about it. You should believe him.