“Be Kind to the Busted Bricks”: Lushious Massacr Kicks Off Our Advice Column

Photo courtesy of Lushious Massacr.

Welcome to Seek Help, a new column where we enlist Interview’s wisest and weirdest friends to give us answers to life’s most profound questions. For our first installment, internet sensation and make-up artist to the stars Lushious Massacr advises us on love, lying, and wriggling out of curse. Want to be featured in our next story? Tell us all your problems (anonymously) here.

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What should I do on days where I feel like a brick? 

Well, little girl, you have to be kind to yourself and be patient with yourself. We’ve all been bricks at one point in our life, honey, but you have to believe in yourself. You have to be kind and patient with yourself while you’re transitioning from this moment—from this bricky moment. Eventually you will evolve into a butterfly, a beautiful butterfly who will be glamorous, honey. Be patient and be kind to the busted bricks!

I just quit my job. What do I do now?

You live your life, sweetheart. You keep living, honey. What’s the worst that can happen? You’re not going to die, honey. Go out there and get some trade, honey. Give yourself some pleasure. When you’re going through pain, give yourself some pleasure, honey. Pull a little bit of trade. But not too much. Always stay in control, honey.

Where do I look for love? I refuse to look on dating apps.

Well, you can go to the park, you can go to the library. I go to the library sometimes and I meet some very intellectual men who take me on a journey through space and time. I also met a man at the grocery store and let me tell you, he was running around sniffing my panties at the grocery store, honey. Go to the grocery store. Don’t be bitter. Remain hopeful and believe that you can find love, little girl! I see it for you, little girl. Find some love. The girls. The lovely girls!

How do I make friends as a busy grownup? 

You need to be confident. Whenever you go to a party, whenever you’re surrounded by nothing but busted, boring bricks, you have to be confident and you have to believe in yourself and believe that you’re not a brick like all these other busted creatures, honey. You have to believe that you’re confident. You have to believe that you’re beautiful. You have to believe that you’re the one, and eventually the rest of the girls, the rest of the busted bricks in the room, they’re going to believe it, too. Believe in yourself, honey.

My friend is in a toxic relationship. Should I tell him?

Tell him, little girl. The most valuable thing we have is our time, honey. Even if it’s a hard and difficult conversation, always tell your friends the truth so that they don’t waste their time, honey!

My boyfriend ate me out so I farted on him and he said, “Never again.” Should we break up?

Only when you find a new piece of trade. When you find a new man, when you already got another man lined up, honey, when you already have another piece lined up, then you absolutely pay dust and shade to your boyfriend. If he doesn’t want to eat your fart, he doesn’t really love you, because one day he’s going to find the man that he really loves and he will eat anything from him. He will eat all the excrement off of him. If he doesn’t eat your excrement, he doesn’t love you, girl.

I think there’s a curse on me. How do I get it off? 

Girl, ain’t nobody bothered by you, sweetheart. Everybody’s struggling, honey. It’s rough out there for the girls. Everybody’s focused on themselves, honey. The girls are not well, baby. Ain’t nobody bothered by you, honey. Ain’t nobody cursing you, sweetheart. The world does not revolve around you, little girl.