Cornfield Maze Employees Share Their Plan for an Alien Invasion
Storm Area 51 started as a joke, a mere Facebook event that called on the people to rise up and infiltrate the Area 51 base on September 20th, 2019 in the hopes of discovering alien prisoners. We laughed at first, but when over 2 million marked “going” on the event page, it seemed the event morphed quickly from meme to cultural phenomenon. Unfortunately, the actual turnout was less than expected, resulting in little more than an alien-themed dance party. Yet when all hope seemed lost, a significant and terrifying piece of information was released from the United States Navy confirming, yes, a real UFO sighting. After years of ignoring crackpot conspiracy theorists and alien abductee testimony, we’re not jumping to conclusions when we say: an alien invasion is inevitable.
The point is not to panic, but to be prepared. Knowing that their most common form of communication is through crop signs, we turned to the good people of Queens County Farm, who have crafted their famous Amazing Maize Maze, a fall stable since 2003. Since 1697, the Queens County Farm Museum has remained an active farming site, welcoming over 10 million visitors from its formation as a “cultural nonprofit” in 1975. As a treasured New York City landmark—and the closest thing to nature for scores of urbanites—the Queens County Farm gave us some guidance on how to prepare when the aliens invade.
“Duct tape. No matter what kind of problem the aliens create, duct tape is the answer. Need a shield? Duct Tape. Need to contain them? Duct Tape. Duct tape is always the answer.”
Finance & Office Manager
“I would like for them to take me back.”
Director of Operations & Maze Designer
“We run APD drills three times a year under our Protected Species Plan. These APD, or Alien Protection Drills, integrate both the Vector Specific Targeting Matrix and the Assumed Landing Parameters. The APD specifically address those portions of the farm most susceptible to landings. That’s in conjunction with our current threat-analysis conducted annually, which innumerate the likely “soft” and “hard” landing zones. The target assessment analysis we did with NORAD, DOD, and DHS in the past has multiple indicators that the corn field is likely Zone Priority One. I hope that’s clear and comports with all federal, state, and local ordinances regarding a proper APD. I have to admit, we have no current plans for mere ‘flyovers’ however.”
“Having grown up near Grover’s Mill, New Jersey and frequently visited Grover’s Farm, I have always been prepared for future alien invasions. I thought about it as a little girl while I sat on my front stoop looking at the moon and stars with my Dad. We talked about how the universe is so vast and our world is so small compared to it. Every light in the sky could be our neighbor. I saw many UFOs as a child. Today I have a stock pile of cheese doodles, the puffy kind of course, in my pantry–just in case-because you can’t be too careful.”
Director of Agriculture
“When I was a little girl, I inherited the nickname ‘Anne the Alien’. This was mostly due to the fact that I had large bulging eyes, I spent my alone time listening to the static on the radio hoping to intercept and spy on extraterrestrial communication, and I did not resemble any of my siblings. I must have been dropped off here by an alien family. So, I guess you can say I have been planning for alien invasion all my life. My intention in listening to that radio static was not only to attempt to make contact, but to learn to understand their language, so when my alien family landed back on this planet, I would be ready!
Over the years, I have been attuned to crop circle sightings, attempting to interpret their messages, watched countless episodes of Ancient Aliens, to grasp a better understanding of alien life influence on planet Earth, and just totally embraced my weirdness with hopes I would be accepted by the aliens when they arrived. As the years went on, my connection faded and I began to think, ‘I should be prepared for the reality that these other worldly creatures may in fact not come in peace,’ so I switched my MO to more of a doomsday prepper. I got into farming so I could make sure I knew how to grow food, save seeds, and feed myself when the invasion came and most of the world’s population was wiped out – except me of course, as they would spare me to help repopulate the new alien-human hybrid race. I chose a mate who knows how to hunt for food, build homes, and make fire, so now I am covered on all ends.”
“Enlist the aliens to create next years’ maze with their crop circle-making technology!”
“My plan for the alien invasion is to welcome our new overlords and do literally whatever they tell me. Humanity’s plans for Earth have pretty much tanked, so I’m open to new management. I’ll have lots of questions though: How do you poop? What do you eat? How did you build a society technologically advanced enough for space travel without destroying your entire planet?”
“I would probably try to make sure they are calm and not a threat to the rest of the people in the maze. Maybe take some pictures of them on Victory Bridge with the maze behind them. Make sure they have a good time.”
“As a Maze Saver, whether I am at the tower post or flying into space, I am helping the newly trained agents along on their mission safely.”
“Might as well welcome them to Earth. They can’t be any weirder than some of the people I have met in NYC.”