The Drita D’Avanzo Guide to Acting, Dressing, and Fighting Like a Mob Wife

Welcome to Seek Help, a column where we enlist Interview’s wisest and weirdest friends to give us answers to life’s most profound questions. Just before she makes her debut on House of Villains, mob wife and queen of Staten Island Drita D’Avanzo was keen to give our readers a harsh dose of reality on a variety of topics, from fur coats and fault-finding mother-in-laws to secretive boyfriends and friend group politics. What some would call “cold,” she considers tough love. But don’t we all need that from time to time?

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I want to be a mob wife. Where do I go shopping to buy my first fur coat?

Uh hello. You gotta go find a place that sells fur coats. Who asks this question?

My mother-in-law is constantly judging my outfits before I leave the house. How do I not let this affect my self-confidence?

Well, you shouldn’t dress like a hooker in front of your mother-in-law. So if you are, I mean…I don’t know what to tell you.

My boyfriend of six months treats me like a princess, but is super secretive about what he does for work. Should I demand honesty or ignore it and keep accepting his luxury gifts?

That’s up to you. But when the door is kicked down and the feds are in your kitchen eating cereal, don’t act shocked. You’re the one that accepted the gifts ‘cause you liked it. Now you’re gonna like the prison that you have to visit. 

How do I tell my best friend of five years that I’m developing feelings for her dad? He likes me back, by the way…

Who asked this and why do I have to answer this? I’m too honest. It can’t be your best friend if you’re having a crush on the father. And if the father likes you, he’s not a good father. Okay? 

My coworker never picks up any slack on projects, but always takes all the credit. How do I let him know I’m not the bitch to be messed with without getting fired? 

Exactly like you just asked the question. You approach him and say, “I am not a bitch. I don’t want to get fired. However, there is a totally different side to me. If you want to meet that side, it’s up to you. It’s just not a good idea.” You can explain it just like that—monotone, which is actually scarier and more effective.

I need to get my nails done and I want to feel cunty. What color and shape do I ask for?

I would probably say, a super, super red color—crazy long and sharp.

My homegirls have recently welcomed a new girl into our friend group but I get a bad vibe from her. Am I being just paranoid or should I trust my gut?

Always trust your gut. We are animals—just intelligent ones. We have instincts. Trust your gut. Trust me. 

What are your best tips for making sure you always win a fight?

The way you always win a fight is not to fight. That is a guaranteed win. 

 I’m meeting my boyfriend’s Albanian family soon. What’s the best recipe to cook to impress them?

You should probably make baklava—and add walnuts. Minus the pistachios. You should just go on my page—I actually think I shared my recipe. Use my recipe. Locked down. They will love you.