The nominations for the 91st Academy Awards are officially out, today. While we commend all the nominees, and are pleased to see The Favourite and Roma crowding the field, we have some thoughts of our own. Here, we’ve come up with some alternative categories that we would like to see at this year’s ceremony, and the films we think are most deserving. Below, our totally unofficial, completely biased alternative Oscar nominations.
MOST HISTORICALLY DUBIOUS
OUR PICK: Green Book
Several films in the Oscar circuit exercise their creative licenses, but no film aside from Green Book has been met with such fierce controversy; the fact that the real brother of the pianist on which the film was based discounted the story and accused its creators of racist white-washing is only one of the bizarre gaffes following the film.
BEST WEATHERED MAKEUP ART
Mary Queen of Scots
OUR PICK: Vice
Each of these films pulls a stunning feat: transforming conventionally attractive Hollywood A-Listers into, respectively, Dick Cheney, a powder-faced Queen, and a Queen with gout. Nevertheless, we have to credit the makeup and prosthetics artists behind Christian Bale’s sagging jawline and lunar forehead for helping him achieve the authentic look of a war-mongering politician.
BEST IN SHOW
Charlie, A Star Is Born
The dogs that poop in the driveway, Roma
The entire cast of Isle of Dogs
OUR PICK: Charlie, A Star Is Born
In the name of authenticity, Bradley Cooper cast his Goldendoodle, Charlie (a rescue dog, even!), as Ally and Jackson’s pet pup in A Star is Born. Lady Gaga may be up for the Best Actress Award, but Charlie is a clear fan favorite.
MOST WISTFUL CINEMATOGRAPHY
If Beale Street Could Talk
A Star Is Born
OUR PICK: If Beale Street Could Talk
This is a tough toss-up, but the soft glow of Barry Jenkins’ close-ups of Stephan James and Kiki Layne had us feeling like true third wheels in If Beale Street Could Talk — and we mean that in the best possible way.
Christian Bale, Vice
OUR PICK: Vice
The only logical winner for the “Most Satanic” Award is Christian Bale, who credited Satan as the inspiration for his portrayal of Dick Cheney in the biopic Vice.
BEST DISPASSIONATE HANDJOB
OUR PICK: The Favourite
There is only one nominee in this category, meaning there can only be one winner: The Favourite, a film with a plentiful bounty of immaculate dresses, f-bombs, and deadpan, loveless sex.