The Alternative Oscars Categories That This Year’s Nominees Truly Deserve

Published January 22, 2019

Charlie, our pick for Best in Show, delivering a powerful performance as the mediator torn in the midst of a destructive marriage in “A Star is Born.”

The nominations for the 91st Academy Awards are officially out, today. While we commend all the nominees, and are pleased to see The Favourite and Roma crowding the field, we have some thoughts of our own. Here, we’ve come up with some alternative categories that we would like to see at this year’s ceremony, and the films we think are most deserving. Below, our totally unofficial, completely biased alternative Oscar nominations.

———

MOST HISTORICALLY DUBIOUS 

Bohemian Rhapsody

Green Book

The Favourite

Vice

OUR PICK: Green Book

Several films in the Oscar circuit exercise their creative licenses, but no film aside from Green Book has been met with such fierce controversy; the fact that the real brother of the pianist on which the film was based discounted the story and accused its creators of racist white-washing is only one of the bizarre gaffes following the film.

———

BEST WEATHERED MAKEUP ART  

Vice

Mary Queen of Scots

The Favourite

OUR PICK: Vice

Each of these films pulls a stunning feat: transforming conventionally attractive Hollywood A-Listers into, respectively, Dick Cheney, a powder-faced Queen, and a Queen with gout. Nevertheless, we have to credit the makeup and prosthetics artists behind Christian Bale’s sagging jawline and lunar forehead for helping him achieve the authentic look of a war-mongering politician.

———

BEST IN SHOW 

Charlie, A Star Is Born

The dogs that poop in the driveway, Roma

The entire cast of Isle of Dogs

OUR PICK: Charlie, A Star Is Born

In the name of authenticity, Bradley Cooper cast his Goldendoodle, Charlie (a rescue dog, even!), as Ally and Jackson’s pet pup in A Star is Born. Lady Gaga may be up for the Best Actress Award, but Charlie is a clear fan favorite.

———

MOST WISTFUL CINEMATOGRAPHY

If Beale Street Could Talk

A Star Is Born

OUR PICK: If Beale Street Could Talk

This is a tough toss-up, but the soft glow of Barry Jenkins’ close-ups of Stephan James and Kiki Layne had us feeling like true third wheels in If Beale Street Could Talk — and we mean that in the best possible way.

———

MOST SATANIC

Christian Bale, Vice

OUR PICK: Vice

The only logical winner for the “Most Satanic” Award is Christian Bale, who credited Satan as the inspiration for his portrayal of Dick Cheney in the biopic Vice.

———

BEST DISPASSIONATE HANDJOB

The Favourite

OUR PICK: The Favourite

There is only one nominee in this category, meaning there can only be one winner: The Favourite, a film with a plentiful bounty of immaculate dresses, f-bombs, and deadpan, loveless sex.