TikTok’s Terri Joe Wants You to Come to Jesus

FRIDAY 3 PM FEB. 3, 2023 HUMBLE, TX

When Kelon gets on Zoom, she’s dressed as her popular TikTok alter ego Terri Joe, a god-fearing white woman with a fondness for floral prints and cardigans. But she’s not in character. In fact, it’s only after meme-queen Patia Borja gets on the line and gushes over her post-woke humor that Kelon flips the script, clearing her throat before re-emerging as a soft-spoken and suspiciously sweet Southern belle.

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PATIA BORJA: Hi Terri Joe! Could you start by telling the world where you’re from?

TERRI JOE: I’m from Bontemps, Louisiana. It’s spelled B-O-N-T-E-M-P-S.

BORJA: Okay, and what do you do?

TERRI JOE: I’m a waitress, a Christian, and a god warrior.

BORJA: I love to hear that. Why do you think they asked you to be in Interview magazine?

TERRI JOE: Probably because I spread the good word of Jesus Christ and there could never be too much Jesus. Jesus should be everywhere, in Interview magazine and on every billboard.

BORJA: [Laughs] You right. So I guess I can assume this answer, but who is the most important person in your life?

TERRI JOE: Jesus. [Laughs]

BORJA: And I’m going to assume the person you are today is because of–

TERRI JOE: Jesus.

BORJA: [Laughs]

TERRI JOE: Jesus and my mama. I’m not going to let Jesus take all the credit, even though he deserves it.

BORJA: Okay. Let’s talk about your dresses. I love the floral moment.

TERRI JOE: My mama made this dress.

BORJA: Okay.

TERRI JOE: And every other dress I wear.

BORJA: I feel like a lot of people need to know the word of the Lord that you’re spreading. What would be your version of the Ten Commandments?

TERRI JOE: The only ones that come to mind are don’t be a sinner, don’t be a homosexu–[Laughs]

BORJA: What about bisexual?

TERRI JOE: None of the sexuals.

BORJA: Don’t be sexual.

TERRI JOE: Only heterosexual and nothing more. Just follow the word of Jesus then you’re on your way to heaven.

BORJA: That’s it.

TERRI JOE: Just live your life as a Christian and you’ve got a first-class ticket to heaven.

BORJA: Have you ever sinned?

TERRI JOE: Never in my life.

BORJA: At all?

TERRI JOE: Right hand to the Bible.

BORJA: Even as a kid?

TERRI JOE: Never. It’s a little hot down here.

BORJA: [Laughs] Okay. Are you single?

TERRI JOE: I would say so. Yeah. I did just get spiritually married to Jesus. But I am single.

BORJA: So Tyler, Johnny–

TERRI JOE: Those are people that are in my past. I don’t even like to speak about them.

BORJA: Okay. What’s your idea of the perfect man?

TERRI JOE: Christian, first of all, because that’s just how I am. I’m a Christian woman, so I need a Christian man. Money, Christian, 6 feet tall, well-endowed. Just normal things that a Christian woman would want.

BORJA: What if they were the nicest Christian man, but broke?

TERRI JOE: That’s not going to work out. Who’s going to take care of the kids? I’m not going to get a job. That’s what a man does.

BORJA: I thought you a waitress?

TERRI JOE: When I have a man to take care of me, I’m not going to be working.

BORJA: Okay, valid. Have you ever slept with a pastor?

TERRI JOE: No, never in my life. Well, we did have church camp sleepovers if you want to count that. But that’s as far as that goes.

BORJA: What happened in the church camp sleepovers?

TERRI JOE: Nothing much, just a little prayer.

BORJA: At night?

TERRI JOE: At night, in the morning, and in the afternoons on my knees. Just prayer.

BORJA: I saw that god granted you the strength to walk and stand.

TERRI JOE: Yeah, it was like a temporary pass, but it was great. I felt alive again.

BORJA: What’s the first thing you did when you could walk?

TERRI JOE: The Dougie. Yeah, cause I been taking AAVE classes and they do a dance portion and I usually can’t do it because I can’t do the whole body movements.

BORJA: And now you can crank that. You can twerk now.

TERRI JOE: Well, I wouldn’t be doing nothing like that, that’s un-Christian-like.

BORJA: Okay, so the AAVE class, what’s it for?

TERRI JOE: It’s to get to know colored people–I mean people of color–a little bit better. I want to work with y’all a little bit more.

BORJA: Okay, yeah. Do you think it’s helping you?

TERRI JOE: I think it is.

BORJA: Okay. Who in the bible would you go on a date with? Can’t be Jesus.

TERRI JOE: It can’t be Jesus?

BORJA: Can’t be Jesus. Who do you think is the sexiest disciple?

TERRI JOE: I’m going to say David and Goliath, not because those are the only people that came to mind or because they’re the only people I know from the Bible, but because I just like their story.

BORJA: He looked well-endowed.

TERRI JOE: Yeah. A big man. Goliath.

BORJA: What are you going to do with David?

TERRI JOE: Nothing. He can watch. [Laughs]

BORJA: He can write the story. He can add it up.

TERRI JOE: Yeah.

BORJA: After Revelations. There can be–

TERRI JOE: I don’t even know, to be honest.

BORJA: Are you a virgin?

TERRI JOE: Of course. I’m not married.

BORJA: Right.

TERRI JOE: I never do any sexual relations outside marriage.

BORJA: Okay. I was wondering if you could pray for me.

TERRI JOE: Pray for you?

BORJA: Yes. Would you like to recite a prayer?

TERRI JOE: Oh yeah. If you would bow your head and close your eyes that would be great.

BORJA: Okay.

TERRI JOE: Lord Jesus, we come to you today to pray over this young woman, I assume. Her name is Patia or something colored like that. Lord Jesus, we come to you to help her and guide her to light and love in Jesus and maybe guide her to a laser tattoo removal place to get those tattoos off her body, because Lord knows those are sinful and she ain’t getting into heaven with something like that. And guide her also to maybe an unemployment office to get an application filled so she can get a real job. And in Jesus name we pray.

BORJA: Amen.