“Are You Fucking Kidding Me?”: Susie Essman Reviews Hats
As we prepare for the frigid weather, we asked Curb Your Enthusiasm MVP and professional hat wearer Susie Essman to offer her take-no-prisoner opinions on the latest in headwear.
Marc Jacobs, $1,695
“This is enough fabric to swathe the entire state of Delaware, but there’s something about it that makes me feel very serene and still and demure. So we know I’m not going to be wearing this often. I feel like the Jewish Saint Bernadette of Lourdes.”
Pyer Moss Couture, Price Upon Request
“This is the heaviest thing I’ve ever had on my head. A model had to walk down the runway with this on?
2 Moncler 1952 Woman, $700
“Audrey Hepburn on a safari. That’s what this one is. I would feel like a fucking idiot walking down the street with this hat.”
Tory Burch, $328
“This is fucking dramatically tender. This is what I want to pretend that I’m in, like, a Laura Ingalls Wilder novel. Little House on the Prairie.”
“It’s Larry having a sexual fantasy dream sequence about Susie, that’s what this is.”
“This is actually a hat that I would wear, so I don’t have that much to say about it. But I remember my mother had a friend who, every holiday, would show up in, like, a gaucho outfit, culottes, and a hat like this but with a string underneath it, hanging off the back of her head. She was from Scarsdale or something, but acting like she was a bandito. What else can I say about this hat?”
Old Jewish Men, $40
“Ralph Lifshitz, Bronx, New York. Remember your origins, Ralphy boy. Remember where you came from: the Bronx, just like me. I know you’re all Polo and WASPy and yachts and horses and all that crap—unless you were in Van Cortlandt Park, you never saw a horse in your life.”
Kenzo, Price Upon Request
“This is something that they would’ve worn in the Pink Panther.”
“What’s amazing to me is that this hat is probably really, really, really expensive. I would say it’s probably about 1,500 bucks. Who spends that money on this hat?”
Dior, Price Upon Request
“This is something I would never wear, ever. I don’t understand the purpose of it. It’s a visor, it’s a scarf, it wraps around, it’s under your chin, it’s behind your back. What is this?”
“An ‘I Love New York’ baseball cap? A Yankees baseball cap? No! Who needs that when you can have a Balenciaga baseball cap?”
Saint Laurent by Anthony Vaccarello, $1,890
“Actually, I want someone who doesn’t have sticky fingers to pull this off my head, because it probably costs $10,000.”
Hair: Thomas Dunkin using R+CO at Statement Artists.
Makeup: Frankie Boyd using Chanel Beauty at Streeters.
Production: Perris Cavalier at The Morrison Group.
Fashion Assistant: Devante Rollins.
Special Thanks: 11 Howard and Baz Bagel.