“That Means You’re Gay”: Parvati Shallow Fields Questions from Interview Readers

Welcome to Seek Help, a new column where we enlist Interview’s wisest and weirdest friends to give us answers to life’s most profound questions. For our second installment, we tapped “Survivor” winner and reality TV GOAT Parvati Shallow to help our readers game the problems weighing on them this summer, from trust issues and imposter syndrome to turning bottoms into tops. And if you want to hear even more from “The Traitors” star? Well, she’s got a memoir out this week called Nice Girls Don’t Win.

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My therapist says I have trust issues, but I say I just have a good read on people. Who’s right?

This is my wheelhouse. You’re right; people suck. You can’t trust anybody. You think you can trust your therapist? No, you’re paying them, so they’re going to try to argue with you and tell you they’re right. I’m going to do some internet research on this, but I would say you know who you are—your authentic compass, your intuition. Alarm bells are going off for a reason. Get out of there.

What do I do as a bottom in this top recession?

This is such a good question, one I’ve been thinking about personally for a while. Because being a bottom is just about being someone who’s really open to receiving pleasure. You don’t want to work too hard, and you want all the good stuff to just come to you. You want to come and you deserve it, sweetie. That’s your god-given right. And you know what? We need to keep some balance in this world. You know what you’ve got to do? You’ve got to turn some bottoms into tops. What we’re talking about is leverage. You stay on the bottom. You hold strong. Do not give up your power position. And then, you just top from the bottom. You get another bottom and you teach them how to be a top from the bottom.

I ghosted someone and they didn’t even chase me. How do I recover from that kind of humiliation?

Girl, go get another date. What are you even doing thinking about this person that you ghosted? Ghosting someone means just that—you become a ghost, an apparition. They take up no space in your psyche anymore. But it sounds like you’re still holding on, so you didn’t actually ghost them. So you’ve got to cut the cord, get back on the horse, get out there, get in those streets so you can really, truly, actually detach from this person that you supposedly ghosted. If you’re still thinking about them, you did not ghost somebody. That’s tough love for you, and you need to hear that.

I think I might be a late bloomer in every category: career, love, identity. Is it too late to bloom, sexy and unbothered?

Never too late, baby. You can bloom at any age and at any stage. You are a beautiful, gorgeous flower goddess. And now it’s time for you to claim that power, get out there, go buy yourself a present or take yourself to the spa. Go to Byredo and spray yourself with some Mojave Ghost. Claim your bloom. You’re never too late.

How do I know if my friend is in love with me? Spoiler, I love him.

You probably need someone else to help run a gameplay. This is Survivor strategy 101. You need an alliance member, someone like Cirie, then get the ally to go fishing. You need to have your friend take him somewhere for coffee or a bagel, really innocent and really benign, see what she can find out for you so it’s not you doing the digging. Everyone’s in love with their friends, aren’t they? If you want to take it to the next level, just corner him at a party and touch your hair a lot and then laugh and lean in. If he comes in towards you, that’s a good sign. Lesbians and gay guys, they hook up with their friends all the time. But if you’re straight, you might be walking into dangerous territory. So you decide what you want to do. 

I accidentally joined a cult-adjacent wellness group and now I feel amazing. Do I leave or lean in?

If you feel amazing, lean in, baby. Culty stuff is fun. Put your turban on. Wear all your whites. Get your mallow beads. This world is hard—we need people.

How do I get a job or internship at Interview Magazine?

Interview magazine is the coveted spot to be right now, so I get it. It’s like trying to get a spot on Survivor. You have to stand out. You have to sparkle. You’ve got to be a unicorn. So if you’re that, perfect. If you’re not, then find a way to be that. Be a little nasty. Be fun. Be raunchy. Don’t be afraid to embarrass yourself when you’re trying to get a job.

Everyone says “trust your gut.” But my gut also told me to text my ex. Now what?

I heard this incredible piece of advice from a friend of mine: “Never ever text your ex before you’ve masturbated.” So I hope you have a good vibrator or something handy. Do not text your ex until you’ve done that. Okay?

I think I might be gay, but only in the summer. What does that mean?

That means you’re gay. Just own it.

I finally landed a job and now I’m terrified I’ll be exposed as a fraud. Is imposter syndrome forever or does it go away?

It goes away. First, congratulations to you. I’m very proud of you. If I were with you, I would bake a cake to celebrate. You deserve a party. You got a job; it’s not easy in this climate. It’s probably been a while since you’ve worked. We know what you’ve been up to—reading smut books and cuddling your cat. And now you’re out in the world and it’s not a nice place to be all the time, so just give yourself a little bit of grace and know that your imposter syndrome will go away. You’re going to get more confident as you get out there. Make some gossip up with your colleagues and you’ll be fine. No one’s going to know that you even feel like an imposter because everyone is wearing a mask. You’re not the only one. So just let yourself feel the discomfort and keep showing up, keep making connections, and people are going to love you.

All of my friends are in love or in Europe. What do I do now?

I relate. All the cool kids are in Europe right now. Well, I guess you just have to accept that your life is boring and you’ve got nothing going on. Also, you can book a flight. How hard is that? Book your flight to Europe. And if you don’t have points, find a rich person, a rich dude or a hot chick to fly you to Europe. 

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