PHOTO COURTESY OF ABC.
To ring in the thirteenth season of The Bachelorette, we called up one of the show’s biggest fans, January Jones, to review the latest crop of men. Here, the Mad Men and Last Man on Earth actress gives us the breakdown on the good, the bad, and the Whaboom.
My name is January Jones and I’m a fan of The Bachelorette. I’m not an expert at much, but I’m really good at watching reality TV, so Interview magazine asked my opinion on the new season of the show.
First and foremost, I’m so excited that Rachel Lindsay is the Bachelorette. She’s adorable and smart, and she’s her own person who is looking for an addition to her already full life. As Cher says, “A man is not necessary, a man is a luxury… like dessert!”
My track record for picking the winner by just watching the premiere episode is zero out of many, so I’m just going to give my picks about who I think could be an actual option for dating Rachel. I’m also going to break down who I think is crazy, who is on the show to bring buyers into his real estate or tire business, and who was most likely cast to make the audience laugh.
A. Rachel’s real options: 1) Kenny (the pretty-boy pit-bull wrestler): He’s 35 and has a daughter, so hopefully he’s responsible and mature enough to be a great partner. Seems sweet and is cute and has a hard body, etc.
2) Bryan (the Colombian cutie): This hottie got the first impression rose and gave Rachel her the first kiss of the season. He’s 37 and a chiropractor, spoke Spanish to her, and said he’s “bad news,” or whatever—which we all are weirdly intrigued by, unless it means he has a felony record. Like a bad felony.
3) Josiah (the prosecutor from Florida): He seems smart and has a good story, but he came off as kind of an ego-monster at the house. I need more time with him.
4) Peter (the first one out of the limo): A cutie from Wisconsin. He seems sweet, but I’m not thrilled that one of his favorite things about Rachel is that she has a gap in her teeth, just like him. That’s it? She also has a face! Soul mates.
B. Guys who are just drunk and/or crazy: 1) Lucas (the WhaBoom guy): No words.
2) Fred (they went to same elementary school): The fact that she calls him “Frederick” says it all. Naughty kid. She was creeped out and I was, too. Leave the yearbook at home, Frederick.
3) AJ (Adam Jr., a.k.a. the doll): I love that he’s mysterious and French, but the fact that he’s a doll really hurts his chances. Rachel seems to be afraid of dolls. His dad Adam needs to go, if only for bringing him into such a competitive, doll-hating environment.
4) Mo (the Bollywood-dancing family guy): Poor Mo, he just had too much juice and he got a bit timid.
C. Guys who need publicity for their own gain/”here for wrong reasons:” 1) DaMario (one of the girls from last season was warned about him): He seems way overconfident and obnoxious. He’s gimmicky and is playing to the camera. I don’t trust him.
D. Guys cast for audience pleasure/show ratings: 1) The Tickle guy
2) The Penguin guy
3) The Whaboom guy
4) Blake (the confrontational guy who thinks he has a big dick and is a sex expert): Makes me chuckle.
In the past, I have said publicly that I would consider being the Bachelorette. I want to be clear that I was saying that with a wink. I would never actually do that because my life is pretty great as is. It would make watching the show, one of my favorite guilty pleasures, feel like a stressful job. And unlike Cher, I don’t have a sweet tooth. Except for ice cream.
I’ll keep you updated on my thoughts. Talk soon.
PS. Tesla—can I have the new SUV, please?
THE BACHERLORETTE AIRS MONDAY NIGHTS ON ABC.