Dane Cook, Global Flavor

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Published May 5, 2009

Dane Cook defies the stereotypical stand-up comedian by being handsome. Handsome enough that he gets gossiped about as a romancer of some of America’s most celebrsted females (see below), but not so handsome, though, that when he Twittered an April Fool’s Joke—that he’d been cast in a Twilight sequel—that he went unscathed. There are chinks in Cook’s armor, which are what make him such an effective comedic anti-hero. Before he headed off on his world comedy tour, “Isolated Incident—Global Thermo” he indulged our fantasies, telling us why he never wears white briefs, and explaining why being a good kisser doesn’t necessarily make you a good lover.

INTERVIEW: What’s a childhood memory you’ve never lived down?

DANE COOK: Junior high school: I’m a wallflower. It’s a packed dancehall involving a cornhusk theme. Sporting a brand new Members Only jacket, jet-black corduroys, with Nike high-tops. I’m buried behind the cool kids drinking melted ice with a little lemonade in it. Prince’s “Let’s Go Crazy” comes on and I decide it’s time to blast out of my shell to do what Prince has requested of his listeners. Moments later the whole school is watching me flip out and dance like I’m possessed. I’m alone on the dance floor. I’m surrounded by everyone staring and laughing. I’m a hero. Or am I? I look down and realize my zipper broke and through my black pants that my brand new bright white underwear was beaming through the dark material like a lighthouse. The next day in front of my locker was a pile of zippers.

INTERVIEW: Do you still dance?

DC: See above and know why I never shook my booty again … and despise zippers.

INTERVIEW: Blondes or brunettes? Why?

DC: Blondes that dye their hair brown. You get the confident whimsical goofiness with a splash of Emerson college student.

INTERVIEW: Favorite costar?

DC: Easily Jessica. Then the other Jessica and finally Jessica. I only fooled around with one of them.

INTERVIEW: Something at a comedy show that made you feel sick?

DC: I was performing at a Chinese restaurant that was so dirty. I’m in the middle of my routine and a few people start pointing at me and making weird faces. One guy is laughing and yelling, “Look! Look!” I stop talking and I’m looking around me. Suddenly a huge cockroach crawled over the microphone I was talking into. I freaked out and walked off stage and out the front door. I didn’t want my money or to finish the show. I drove away fast.

INTERVIEW: What’s the worst thing someone’s said to you after a show?

DC: “Stick to your day job,” which is what an older gentleman laid on me. I said I didn’t have one since I was a full time comedian. He handed me a business card and offered me to come work for him. He owned a mortuary. “It’s about as funny as you were tonight.” I still have the card.

INTERVIEW: Are you a good kisser? Who said so, or not?

DC: I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

INTERVIEW: What’s the funniest thing you ever heard?

DC: I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, “If you ever yell at me to “stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go” again? Next time I’m bringing a gun. And I’m blowing your God damn head off.”

INTERVIEW: What is the biggest misconception about stand-ups?

DC: That they are all dark tortured souls crying out for attention, or craving hero worship while secretly despising everyone who laughs at their jokes. That they are self-hating arrogant, narcissistic creatures only interested in what benefits them. Megalomaniacs hell bent on personal gain at anyone else’s expense. Crushing every toe. Breaking every back. Never stopping to consider what is good for the other guy. It’s silly.