An Essential Amazon Wish List For Newly-Divorced Men, Inspired by Jeff Bezos

Published January 11, 2019

In a Twitter post from Wednesday, Jeff Bezos — founder and CEO of Amazon, and the world’s richest man — announced that he and his wife MacKenzie, a novelist, have decided to divorce after 25 years of marriage. The separation comes with the news that Bezos has been in a relationship for several months with TV anchor Lauren Sanchez, who he allegedly sent a “racy” shirtless photo with the message: “You know what I want? I want to get a little drunk with you tonight. Not falling down. Just a little drunk. I want to talk to you and plan with you. Listen and laugh … I basically WANT TO BE WITH YOU!!! Then I want to fall asleep with you and wake up tomorrow and read the paper with you and have coffee with you.”

With Bezos’ net worth of $137 billion, the divorce could be quite expensive for Bezos. According to Washington State common-property law, MacKenzie is entitled to half of her ex-husband’s fortune, which is predominantly tied up in Amazon stock. Jeff’s  put on a brave face so far (stock traders on the other hand…), but potentially scarier for any divorcee is plunging back into the deep end of the dating pool. As such, we’ve put together a wish list sourced from (where else?) Amazon that will shout, “I am divorced, hear me roar.”

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UNDER ARMOUR SLEEVE T-SHIRT

To highlight the core-training any famous divorcee undergoes to block out the chatter from the tabloids.

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WHISKEY STONES

Because what gift guide for men doesn’t include whiskey stones.

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JEFF TRAVEL MUG

Any divorced man needs a little unofficial reminder, from time to time, of how much of a badass motherf*cker he is.

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2(X)IST UNDERWEAR, 3-PACK

“Alexa, do these make me look big?”

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PHEROMONES COLOGNE [ATTRACT WOMEN]

Released by RawChemistry, this product claims to bottle a blend of real human pheromones, “proven to attract women and appeal to their sexual receptors.” Pro-tip: apply heavily when it’s time for the prenup talk.

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NAD’S FOR MEN HAIR REMOVAL CREAM

An Amazon #1 Best Seller, this cream — as evidenced by the shiny torso on its bottle — shows a potential suitor that you haven’t stopped working on yourself.

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HOW TO BE A 3% MAN, WINNING THE HEART OF THE WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS

This book by Corey Wayne claims to teach men “the pickup, dating, and relationship secrets that only 3 percent of the world’s men know about being successful with women.” As a member of the top 0.01 percent of the world’s wealthiest, that figure may not meet Bezos’ standards, but it’s a start.

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NEW LIFE MUG

Cheers to new beginnings.