2009 vs. 2019: A Reminder That Time Is Ruining Most of Us

Published January 14, 2019

Ah, 2009: it was the best of times, and it was definitely not, in hindsight, the worst of times. Barack Obama was only beginning his presidency, Jared Kushner was still a Democrat, Mark Zuckerberg still valued privacy, and “Daddy” just meant the father of a child. 

This weekend, “2009 vs. 2019” began to trend on Twitter. By juxtaposing less attractive pictures of themselves (emo haircuts and too much eyeliner) alongside present day pictures of their fully-realized selves, we were reminded of the relative innocence of the late aughts, before the world seemed to be spinning rapidly off its axis with every passing hour. In the spirit of nostalgia, and the fact that time is inching us all toward our impending mortality and/or nuclear war, we’ve looked at some of the biggest power players of the current zeitgeist, and where they stood one long decade ago.

———

DONALD TRUMP

2009:  Endorsed climate change (and then, three months later, revoked it.) Was building golf courses, not walls. Trump’s Twitter voice was just emerging; in one tweet, he insisted that the Trump International in Scotland would be the “greatest golf course in history!”

2019: Now president of the free world, though due to an unwillingness to budge on a racist, and financially ruinous, plan to build a border wall in Mexico, has led the government to shutdown for the entirety of the year to date.

———

IVANKA TRUMP

2009:  Joined Twitter! Married Jared Kushner, who, at the time, was still a Democrat. Wrote The Trump Card: Playing to Win in Work and Life. As a role model to young girls across the nation, attended the Twilight premiere, where she “just saw Robert P…sigh.”

2019:  Is storming out of buzzy movies about Republican greed.

———

KYLIE JENNER

2009: Graduated the 6th grade.

2019: Has a new face and a baby named Stormi, whose photo had the most likes on Instagram until it was unseated by an egg.

———

FLO RIDA

2009: Broke his own record when his single “Right Round” out-seated “Low” as most downloaded song and bar mitzvah anthem of the moment.

2019: Seems to be opening a gloriously tacky club in Miami Gardens, Florida called Studio 183 Lounge.

———

BRADLEY COOPER

2009: Just before breaking out in The Hangover, was featured on Ryan Murphy’s plastic surgery drama Nip/Tuck, as a horny yoga coach who broke his neck trying to give himself fellatio. With a tragically high sex drive and dangerously lithe body, he requests an as-yet-uninvented penis reduction in perhaps his best performance to date.

2019: Has fully transformed into an acclaimed “auteur,” having acted in and directed the beloved A Star is Born. (He’s also developed the ability to wax poetic about the pain of existence in the New York Times. Who said 2019 was all that bad?) Time, it seems, has been kind exclusively to Bradley Cooper.