Jordan Firstman’s Grindr Hookup Takes a Long, Hard Look at His Debut Album

Jordan Firstman won’t guard your secrets, but he might remix them. The writer, filmmaker, and comedian, known for Big Mouth, the Sundance-nominated Call Your Father, and the feature film Rotting in the Sun, started collecting his followers’ various secrets on Instagram around the time his pandemic impressions series started to go viral. Now, after months in the studio with producers Brad Oberhofer, Blake Slatkin, Zach Dawes and Sega Bodega, Firstman’s released his debut comedy album, Secrets, based on the thousands of scandalous confessions in his possession (and with star-studded features by Rachel Sennott, Julia Fox, and even Firstman’s mom). But they’re really just songs (“I cry when I masterbate,” for instance, or “My sisters tryin’ to fuck and she needs to chill”) that happen to be funny, he says. Keeping true to the anonymous vibe, Firstman hooked up with some guy on Grindr and asked him to review the album (and the sex).

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JORDAN FIRSTMAN: Testing, testing. We are FaceTiming my Grindr hookup, [REDACTED]. Okay, hey.

ANON: Hey.

FIRSTMAN: Good to see you. [Laughs] I’m in bed right now in a wifebeater. You look like you’re in a beautiful place.

ANON: I’m at my parents’ by their pool.

FIRSTMAN: Is that an indoor-outdoor pool?

ANON: Yeah. It’s like a Lanai.

FIRSTMAN: Wow. It’s very Jewish.

ANON: Very Jewish, very Florida.

FIRSTMAN: You look cute.

ANON: Thank you. I was waiting for that. [Laughs]

FIRSTMAN: I know, I had to bribe you by saying there’d be many compliments. I could go on for days about your eyes, your eyelashes. He’s slowly blinking at me. So I put on my Grindr that I was looking for someone to have sex with and also review my album and you didn’t give me a firm yes or no. You were like, “I’m definitely willing to fuck, but the album, maybe not.” Is that correct?

ANON: Yeah, that’s correct.

FIRSTMAN: And then you came over and we hooked up and you actually were open to doing it, and then I got shy. It’s very vulnerable to show someone your work. It’s comedy, it’s music—

ANON: Did it help that I said that I hated musical comedies? [Laughs]

FIRSTMAN: That was definitely part of it. I thought the sex was very, very good.

ANON: Yeah, it was great.

FIRSTMAN: What did you like about the sex?

ANON: It didn’t feel awkward. Sometimes a first-time hookup can feel very awkward. And we both came, which is a good sign.

FIRSTMAN: True. I think, if I remember correctly, I came first. But I stayed in you—

ANON: Yeah. Which is also a good sign.

FIRSTMAN: For you to cum. I mean, I try to always do that if I’m topping, because I know when I bottom, it does help to have something in there. Whether that be fingers, toes, a dick. 

ANON: I’m not sure that I love a finger, toe.

FIRSTMAN: I mean, if you don’t like a finger, then I think you haven’t been fingered right.

ANON: I just have a very sensitive butthole and I always end up getting a nick.

FIRSTMAN: Well, I bite my nails.

ANON: Same. It’s the anxious—

FIRSTMAN: Jew. Yeah.

ANON: It’s so bad. During law school, my fingers were torn to shreds. I could not go for a job interview.

FIRSTMAN: Oh my god. I will say, what stuck out to me about the hookup—obviously we know the eyes are the star of the show with you. Well, you also got that big dick too. That’s a bonus.

ANON: It’s always a crowd pleaser.

FIRSTMAN: But we made a lot of eye contact during the sex, which definitely doesn’t always happen during first-time hookups.

ANON: Sometimes you don’t even see their eyes.

FIRSTMAN: Sometimes you don’t see their face at all. [Laughs] And I thought you were surprisingly really good at giving head. Is that something you’re known for in the community?

ANON: I have a few accolades and awards. I think it helps to have the lips. 

FIRSTMAN: I would beg to differ. Not to go too in-depth, but it’s your throat. You have a really soft throat.

ANON: Soft?! I don’t know that I’ve ever thought about the texture of—

FIRSTMAN: Well, you’ve never gotten head from yourself. I think you would very much enjoy the experience.

ANON: I’ve been trying. [Laughs]

FIRSTMAN: Okay. We both enjoyed the sex. We had a good talk after, we were vibing.

ANON: Would do it again.

FIRSTMAN: Definitely. I mean, I would do it right now if you were with me. We could switch it up.

ANON: Yeah, I think I should top next time.

FIRSTMAN: I’m getting kind of horny right now, to be honest.

ANON: Same. 

FIRSTMAN: Well, as much as I could talk about sex with you forever, we should get into this review. I got the vibe that you didn’t know anything about me previously.

ANON: Definitely not. When I added you on Instagram, I was like, “Oh, we have a lot of mutuals.” Mainly like slutty gays, and my straight girlfriends that listen to drag queen podcasts and things like that. 

FIRSTMAN: So you didn’t know really what you were getting into when you opened up the file that I sent you?

ANON: I had no clue. I was reading all of the song titles and I’m like, “Okay, this is going to be an interesting hour.” 

FIRSTMAN: Sending someone your comedy album is definitely risky. But I think what I try to do in that first track is explain the experience you’re going into.

ANON: So is the title of each song the secret that they submitted?

FIRSTMAN: Yes.

ANON: So “Poop is pee and pee is poop,” that was just something that someone put in there and you made up everything based on that? 

FIRSTMAN: What you read was everything I got. Actually, for “Poop is pee,” I had a completely other thing going on. I wanted it to be more spiritual and, “Thank U, India” style. I would say that’s my most esoteric song. Some people don’t understand it at all. Did you understand?

ANON: Yeah, I understood.

FIRSTMAN: I think girls and gays understand it, but every straight guy that made the album with me told me to not put it in. They’re like, “That doesn’t make sense.” And I’m like, “It’s because you’re straight and you don’t understand that when you apologize to a woman, you’re not actually apologizing. You’re just saying bullshit.” It’s a gayer sounding song because it’s referencing “Ray of Light” Madonna vibes. 

ANON: It was probably one of my favorites on the album. 

FIRSTMAN: Love that. Which were your favorites?

ANON: I mean, obviously there’s a lot of sounds on it, so some I vibed with more than others. “I’m hoarding cum” was very Brat energy, so I would say that was not my vibe.

FIRSTMAN: Right, because you vibe with sad lesbian music.

ANON: Yeah.

FIRSTMAN: What are we talking? Boygenius? Phoebe Bridgers?

ANON: Exactly. Phoebe, Boygenius, Chappell Roan, Reneé Rapp, King Princess.

FIRSTMAN: I guess you might’ve liked the Rufus Wainwright one, “Passed out drunk making mac and cheese [woke up to a fireman in my apartment].”

ANON: Yeah. I’m hoping there’s also Xanax involved in this drunk experience because I’ve passed out while cooking, but not ever just drinking. 

FIRSTMAN: [Laughs] Right, you need the benzos to really get you there.

ANON: And I liked “Purposely relapsing for attention.” Been there. [Laughs] Who hasn’t?

FIRSTMAN: I feel like that’s a super relatable track.

ANON: I also did like the pop ones, “I wanna see my friends dicks.” What else?

FIRSTMAN: “I prefer the ugly ones” is pop, but you proved that song wrong with your head game. In that song I say that ugly bitches give better head, but you’re a pretty bitch who gives good head.

ANON: Yeah, but I think it’s because ex-fat kids—

FIRSTMAN: Are you ex-fat? Same.

ANON: Gays that have always been hot are usually awful in bed and terrible kissers.

FIRSTMAN: What did you think about “I’m I lesbian”?

ANON: It reminded me of 13. Did you ever see it?

FIRSTMAN: I did. Are you a musical theater kid?

ANON: I grew up as one. In my head, that was the only reason that anyone knew I was gay. I was like, “If I stop doing musical theater, no one will know.” [Laughs]

FIRSTMAN: Oh. You seem gay. For sure. You have gay face. You have a gay voice a bit, in a cute way. 

ANON: I think you have a cute voice as well. I really liked “I’m I lesbian,” because I feel that.

FIRSTMAN: Yeah, I feel like it can be an anthem. I tried to have songs for every group of people. There’s a lot of straight guy energy in the album.

ANON: Yeah. You’re singing about girls sometimes and I’m like, “Is he bi?”

FIRSTMAN: I kind of just let the song speak through me. “I’m ran through” felt like a straight guy, and “Poop is pee.” The way that straight men hurt women is different from the way a gay man would hurt a man, you know?

ANON: Sometimes they’re scarily similar though.

FIRSTMAN: True. These men out here—it’s why I’m not really even doing it right now. I let one fucking Arab 24-year-old fuck with my head this fall and I was like, “I’m too busy to have my mind fucked like this.”

 

ANON: I was in this long ass thing with this guy and I let it go on for so long because I was in law school. I just didn’t realize how much time was passing and then years went by. I feel like when the whole “being loved mexicanly” thing came out, I was like, this is what this is.

FIRSTMAN: What do you mean by that?

ANON: It’s very intense, but very gaslighty. It’s very, “I’m going to send you a bottle of champagne to your graduation dinner with your family, but we’re not anything.” And you’re like, “I thought that meant…” But it didn’t at all. It didn’t because poop is pee.

FIRSTMAN: And pee is poop, literally. [Laughs] There’s some songs that are like capital C comedy. Like, “My sisters tryin’ to fuck [and she needs to chill]” feels more on the nose. I tried to make all of the choruses very catchy.

ANON: You did a good job because “I wanna see my friends dicks” has been floating around.

FIRSTMAN: It’s being really embraced by gays, but I wrote that for straight guys. Because I feel like we get to see our friend’s dicks. That’s normal for us. But straight guys want to so bad, even just to compare, and I need them to embrace that more.

ANON: Girls see each other’s boobs and vaginas all the time. It’s not weird. Although, I feel like all of my gay friendships that have gone south, it’s usually because I did something to suggest that maybe we’ll be something. Like, I just thought we could make out on molly once.

FIRSTMAN: Yeah. I mean, my best friend and I, we don’t do it anymore, but we used to fuck guys together. Like high-five vibes.

ANON: That I haven’t had, but a lot of my friends are gay girls, so—

FIRSTMAN: You’re queening out. Do you think lesbians want to see their friends’ pussies?

ANON: I feel like they do. I feel like girls—

FIRSTMAN: They all fuck each other.

ANON: But I recently had a gay girlfriend who’s so problematic. She lives in Silver Lake and she’s just your classic—

FIRSTMAN: Say no more, problematic already. As I FaceTime you from Silver Lake.

ANON: She’s like, “It gives me an ick when girls talk to me about their periods unnecessarily.”

FIRSTMAN: I get that though. It’s like people who talk about shitting all the time. I’m like, “Do we really need to go there?” If a guy shits on me, I’m fine. I’ll go wash up. But I’m not going to eat him out after.

ANON: For sure, although guys eat guys’ asses out at the club and odds are that person is not fully clean. But some people are into that.

FIRSTMAN: So true. It’s like fisting. I promised myself I wouldn’t get into fisting until my late 40s because I feel like once you get into fisting there’s no going back.

ANON: [Laughs] I mean, as you know, I don’t even like a finger in.

FIRSTMAN: Let alone a fist. I would say my dick fit pretty perfectly. I wouldn’t call myself the biggest guy in the world, but it’s a nice size.

ANON: You have boyfriend dick.

FIRSTMAN: Boyfriend dick. Okay, we can give the sex a rating and then the album a rating, out of 10?

ANON: I would say hookup was a nine out of 10.

FIRSTMAN: Whoa! That’s really good. Okay, now you have to rate the album.

ANON: I would give the album an 8.5 out of 10.

FIRSTMAN: Love that. For a comedy album, that’s kind of major.

ANON: It’s huge. I have never rated any other comedy album. [Laughs] But the songs were good, and even the songs I didn’t like, I laughed during.

FIRSTMAN: That’s good.

ANON: I will say, don’t listen to “I cry when I masterbate” in an airport because the beeping sound sounds just like those carts that come by.

FIRSTMAN: I love that you listened to it in an airport.

ANON: Yeah, I went through security blasting “I’m hoarding cum” and I’m like, please don’t look at my phone.

FIRSTMAN: Don’t look, I’m hoarding cum. [Laughs] I really appreciate you doing this. It had potential to be awkward and it wasn’t at all. I would love to see you again when we’re in the same city.

ANON: This has been a life-long dream of mine.

FIRSTMAN: All right, babe, well we’ll send each other nudes until we see each other next.

ANON: Okay, good. Bye.