Futuristic diva GFOTY answers your sex and relationship questions
PC Music’s resident diva GFOTY is back on the scene with a collection of previously released songs and new material, appropriately titled GFOTYBUCKS. It offers a madcap dash through her supercharged world, where romance, bloodlust, trance-pop, sex, and iced coffee swirl around in a toxic frappé. Her songs cover all sorts of relatable situations, from poisoning your crush to celebrating Christmas with an “elf in the shape of a snowflake”—we figured she has the range to answer our readers’ burning questions about religion, relationships, and “never nudes.”
Dear GFOTY,
My husband and I have been married for 10 years now (no kids; currently both in our late 30s) and his sex style has always been a little vanilla for my taste. He’s great in every other department and I know that sex isn’t the end-all-be-all for marriage—we have love and companionship—but 10 years in I can’t help but find myself bored. I love him, but we’re still relatively young and thinking about 10 more years of blah sex just makes me shrivel up. Are we on the road to divorce?
GFOTY: I wouldn’t say you’re on the road to divorce as such—but I’d say you need to get out there and meet some new beasts while your hubbo is at home weeping into his pillow, which you bought. Let’s face it, people aren’t meant to be monogamous—I did some research recently and I think the only animals which are meant to be are foxes and swans—and I’m pretty sure you’re neither of them. As long as you make yourself believe you aren’t cheating, then you aren’t cheating, is what I say. And if he does find out, tell him it’s all his fault and move on, sister!
Dear GFOTY,
My partner wears full-on pajamas to bed, and after a shower will pull on his undies underneath his towel. So even though I know what he looks like naked, he’s so ashamed to show me his body. Every other guy I’ve dated either short- or long-term has felt comfortable being naked, and even though I know it’s my partner’s personal issue, it’s starting to affect me. Do I just hide his pajamas, or how do we get past this?
GFOTY: I dated a never nude once—he went to the shower and came out fully dressed, and when we boned he’d do it through his pajama holes. No matter how many pairs of PJs you hide he’ll always have an extra pair hidden from your sight. He probably has thousands. I’d bring it up to him and romantically whisper in his ears, “Babes, what’s wrong with your dick? Why won’t you show it to me?” whilst affectionally kissing his neck at the same time so he doesn’t feel totally pathetic. If he still can’t give you an answer then you either have to deal with it for eternity or move on.
Dear GFOTY,
I work as an administrative assistant in the financial aid office at a small Christian college in the Midwest. I have been with the school for almost ten years, and I have loved my time there. But of late I’ve begun questioning my faith. Everyone there is very Christian—I would hate to lose my job, but each day it becomes harder to pretend I’m something I’m not. The school-wide Christmas party is coming up, and I feel this matter must be resolved before then.
GFOTY: How are you? In the forest no one can hear your screams—I was in the forest the other day, and I had a burning question to be answered. We won’t go into my question, because this is about you, but this is what I suggest: walk deep into a forest, and find your favorite natural body of water. You see yourself, seeing you, seeing yourself, and you feel very relaxed. The relaxation will guide you to the truest you that you could ever be—you smile a bit, and you smile some more, and then a tear drops from your eye and into your reflection in the water, ruining what you could see so clearly just ten seconds ago. Beautiful, huh? Now walk back in from the forest with your eyes closed, and the answer will be in front of you, in very small print.
DEAR GFOTY,
Supposing that I were to send my cheating, loser ex a spearfishing email and gain access to his social media accounts, what would be the right thing to do with them?
GFOTY: Bring down everyone and burn them to the ground! Actually, no. To be perfectly honest I’d say do nothing because it will make you look like a crazy biyatccchhh and no one wants that, and he will get his karma from someone who practices very bad types of magic. And who knows? Maybe that person could be you! Don’t do anything online—just do all sorts of voodoo on that loser. Sit alone with some crystals and spiritualize yourself—get some of his hair and his blood and find his house address and then burn it all in a pit of your own sweat and blood from your deepest insides. Come up with a good chant and keep repeating it to yourself until you summon the demons from deep inside. He won’t know what’s coming to him. Avoid online at all costs.
Dear GFOTY,
I’m a shy girl from a small town and I will be starting at a big university next year. I’m done being meek and I’d like to land with a splash. What are some ways I can dominate campus and grab everyone’s attention? The more shocking the better, I have nothing to lose!
GFOTY: Watch the movie Black Swan and take all the advice you possibly can from it. Maybe also watch Slap Her She’s French and pretend to be the loser (sounds like you might actually be one?) then like all of a sudden one day come out of your shell and show all the cool girls who the actually coolest girl is by destroying them all. Take up drinking alcohol on weekends and only wear black and red lipstick. Kiss all the boys on campus. Kill all the boys on campus after kissing them all. Don’t catch an STD by practicing safe sex! Learn how to dance on a Dance Dance Revolution machine! Dance Dance Revolution is fucking sick. Pretend you’re taking loads of drugs in your bedroom as a cool loner, whilst what you’re actually doing is studying really hard for your exams so when you’re at the end of university, people will think you were really cool and dumb the whole way through school but you wer actually really coooool and a genius!!!! Smash one out girl!
GFOTYBUCKS IS OUT NOW ON PC MUSIC.
