Future Perfect


Published July 31, 2011



1. Computers will soon be made out of gel—we’ll rub them into our skin. Or, actually, it’s morethat digital information (music, movies, Wikipedia) will be delivered through gel applied topically.Also, comedy will become huge. It already seems pretty big right now, but it will enterall arenas—sports, science, education, politics. And as comedy becomes the backbone of society,what’s funny will change. Eventually, humor will kind of die, making room for the darkhorsecandidate: sadness. Sadness will become the new funny. It will be explored and commercializedin ways that are hard to conceive of right now. Think: sad ads.

2. The next prediction isn’t mine. It’s something I read in The Economist (What? You didn’tthink I read that? You don’t know anything about me). I quote from that article: “ . . . Inthe long run we’ll all be dead. But how long is the long run? In 2003, Mr. Rees gave ita 50-50 chance that humans will go extinct in the next 100 years. Mr. Bostrom puts theodds of that at about 25 percent.” Did you catch that? This scientist and philosopher arepredicting that there’s a 25 to 50 percent chance humans will go extinct in the next 100years. Doesn’t that mean our grandchildren will be the last humans? I feel like we shouldall be behaving very differently if this is true.

3. This has to do with the bee-colony collapse, and I’m pretty sure I’m right about this. My theoryis that all of the missing bees are going to come back . . . in the form of one big bee. It willbe about the size of a blimp. It won’t be seeking revenge; it’ll be like other bees—benign unlessprovoked, going about its busy business.

4. Some predictions that other people have made for me: The famous junkie psychic in theWest Village, Madame M, told me that I had a lot of Ms in my future. Since I was therewith a Miguel, and her name was M, this seemed pretty safe. But then I dated a Mike, andthen I married another Mike. So maybe. The astrologer Robert Hand told me I wouldn’tage much for the next 15 years. Currently I look my age, maybe even a little older. But it’sexciting to think I’m still going to look 37 when I’m 52. What happens after that though?Do those 15 years catch up with me all at once? Finally, right before I shot my movie, atarot-card reader said, “I see you are about to embark on a massive project.” I nodded yes.Then she said, “Okay, look: This project is going to be almost impossibly difficult. But youhave to see it through, because a lot people need it.” She was right about the first part—itwas impossibly difficult. We’ll find out about the rest.

5. I figured it out: I’m walking down the street one day and suddenly there’s this sort of unravelingfeeling in my chest, a loosening. For a moment I think I’ve wet my pants or thatmy pants have fallen down. But then I look out, and—whoa!—I can see way past the horizon.I don’t even know how it’s possible, but I’m looking straight through the atmosphereand even—Jesus—through outer space. And this sight, the thing I see (what is it?), reallyopens me up. I stop being anxious. No more to-do lists and waking up at 6:30 a.m. as if I’vejust heard a gunshot. From then on when people talk about me they don’t say anythingabout how creative I am or any of that shit. They just say: “She’s so chill.”