The Coachella Festival Recap — in 14 Text Messages

Published April 17, 2019

It was the best of times. It was the hottest, sweatiest, most crowded, Instagrammed of times: It was Coachella Weekend, or this generation’s closest living memory to something like Woodstock. (No, not that one.) It was into the haze of JUUL-smoke, and other kinds of smoke, that we sent Iris Luz, the founder of PC Erotic as Interview’s festival correspondent. We had, in fact, forgotten we had sent her until she texted us the entire tale of her Indio Valley exploits just yesterday morning. In a series of 14 texts (and gifs), that run the gamut from Space X, the ponytail of Kylie Jenner’s PA, and some guy’s “Whatupdoe” hat to the porous concept of “sponsored enlightenment,” Luz captured the “sterile and ordinary” vibes of a festival that has somehow captured the hearts, minds, and social media feeds of a generation. We’ve left them unedited for (conceptual) clarity.

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1. This is me. I feel like it’s imperative for me to show you my meticulously picked outfit. I went for comfort without it being at the expense of efficiency and style. My dear friend Ruby made my leather girdl, and she comes from many generations of Metalheads which fulfills my desperate need for authenticity. Let’s rock n’ roll!

2. Saw someone test out what I’m guessing is a space X trial run?  It later got stuck there for a good 20 minutes. I really like Elon, and I hope “The loop” works out, I think he’s a good man just trying to make his ideas work out (yes he’s a bit of a megalomaniac but you need that to create big things). Additionally, a car centric society is no way to live (Although my nachos did arrive in 10 minutes flat which was great).

3. Amongst all the people wearing diamante mesh dresses, this man’s hat really stood out. It marries comfort and approachability in one impeccably built snapback (I’d ordered some Huf socks for Coachella but they arrived after I left so I couldn’t stunt on anyone) (this really annoyed me because I pay for Amazon Prime next day delivery, but then I feel quite guilty because there’s a clear humanitarian issue regarding the treatment of Amazon employees)

4. Why isn’t anyone gurning??? Also the designated drinking area makes me feel like i’m at Ikea and my mum has left me in the play pen. I was always very mature for my age so i didn’t like being in a play pen, but i guess this time i’ll tolerate it.

5. I transcended thanks to the Google Pixel 2. Google made an installation with Childish Gambino and the sound system was stellar. I think it says something about consumerism and folklore, but tbh i’ve been conditioned to think everything i consume is doused in irony. Might just be a cute light show.

6. I was thoroughly impressed by this man’s ingenious use of a leaf. Amongst all the infrastructures, technology, meeting points and landscaping which took months to pre-plan and meticulously create, this man chose a humble leaf to hopefully find his friends.

7. Rosalia sung really well and everyone cheered. I was stood behind Kylie Jenner’s PA and i thought about how well slicked back her ponytail was, and wondered if Jen Atkin did it for her. She had glorious brown hair, which made me think i should stop bleaching my own, but then i’d look incredibly banal and lose my precious job as a part-time fake tan model. It doubles up as a personality too.

8. I spotted a drone and wondered if you could stage a mini coup by infiltrating the event as a drone from above, and then dunking it into the crowd, slicing someone’s fingers off. I’m not a sadist, I say this because Enrique Inglesias got slashed by a drone once, and i never want that to happen ever again.

9. I saw an opportunity for very #relatable content after Tierra Whack’s performance and I took it. Can you recall a time that you felt like that retracting blob? Mine was when i went to my friend’s birthday, high on a double shot cappuccino (apparently double shot coffee is the norm in central London, which sounds utterly barbaric that you’d presume, unless stated otherwise, that i enjoy feeling like i’m on crack), and felt so anxious i couldn’t speak to my crush (which was the reason i went in the first place).

10. This woman’s hula hooping prowess was really impressive and sweet. I always wanted to hula hoop, but have as much coordination as a loaf of bread.

11. Phallic is still funny right?

12. The 1975 put on a great show and everyone cheered. If there was a billboard with a critique about you sprawled across it what would it say? Mine would say “You’re not that funny” (surprise! i’m a masochist).

13. As we walked back to the car i found a straw hat which really cheered me up about the fact that what i thought was going to be a beacon of cool fit men (and me meeting my american dream), was in reality mostly shirtless men with really erect nipples.

14. As we drove into the sunset, this spiritual vehicle rode past. I felt illuminated and genuinely touched, and thought about how despite its trials and tribulations, Coachella and its partygoers were probably the nicest and most considerate i’d ever encountered. I realized my feeling of dismay was rooted in my general feeling of discontent back home. I reminded myself that even though you might not be as successful as you’d like to be it’s about bestowing self worth upon yourself regardless of external factors.
Then i saw it was in fact an ad for DJ Khaled’s new song, which pretty much sums up Coachella. Sponsored enlightenment.