In which we suggest who should star in the next big adaptation, remake, or historical film.
We’re a little bored of casting Robocop remakes and Top Gun sequels, so we decided to try something a little different today… an original screenplay by Bret Easton Ellis, The Canyons. We’re pretty excited—while some people moan about the bleak portrayal of the wealthy American youth or unvaried subject matter in Ellis’ opus, we ask, “What would investment bankers be for Halloween without Patrick Bateman? Would anyone under the age of 40 know of the band Huey Lewis and The News? Could and would there be an ‘overheard in the Goldman Sachs elevator’ Twitter?” Perhaps, but quite possibly not.
The Canyons is reportedly about “youth, glamour, sex and Los Angeles, circa 2012,” so a huge stretch for Ellis then. We don’t know the precise character details, but according The Hollywood Reporter, Ellis is looking for two male and two female main characters, three of which will be 24 to 27, and one of which (a lady) will be 32, and all actors must be willing to be naked on camera. Based on this information, and myriad Bret Easton Ellis books we’ve read over the decades, we have invented six characters to cast: the pulchritudinous, privileged protagonist, his so-called best friend, ex-girlfriend, lover, dashing older brother and despicable father. Click through our slideshow to find out which actors we think should play them…
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