10 Healing Herbal Remedies Inspired By This Season’s Hottest Handbags

Published December 3, 2018

There are some things beyond the reach of traditional retail therapy—good humor, powerful hair, a soothed stomach. So with the holiday shopping season set to commence in full, we’ve devised an all-natural guide that goes far beyond the quick fix of flashing one’s plastic. In consultation with Morgan Brill, a New York City-based homeopathic expert, we took ten handbags by Dior, Gucci, Saint Laurent, and others, and broken them down into herbal remedies that (we can almost nearly guarantee) will bring power, tight skin, clarified thinking, and youth to anyone who imbibes them.

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BOTTEGA VENETA

Power: Authority

Empowering Anointing Oil: Yarrow, St. John’s wort, and gentian-infused safflower oil, pine essential oil, cedarwood essential oil, cypress essential oil, rosemary essential oil, and Frankincense essential oil

Notes: Place on pulse points, paying special attention to throat, third eye, and solar plexus chakra, which is in the center of your stomach.

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PRADA

Power: Fertility

Lunar Fertility Infusion: Red clover, raspberry leaf, dandelion leaf, blue vervain, sage

Notes: Let mixture infuse overnight, outside, in the moonlight (preferably from a full moon).

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GUCCI

Power: Youth

Rejuvenating Powder: Reishi, nettle, eleuthero, blueberry, beet, grass-fed bovine collagen

Notes: Reishi is the mushroom of immortality!

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SAINT LAURENT BY ANTHONY VACCARELLO

Power: Makes You Skinny

Alleviating Oxymel: Fennel, cumin, and coriander seeds, angelica root, dried ginger, raw, unfiltered apple cider vinegar, raw honey

Notes: Dries, stimulates, and moves out stagnant fluids; stimulates digestion; warming and carminative.

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JUDITH LEIBER

Power: Makes You Horny

Female Libido Cordial: Maca, ocotillo, damiana, schizandra, vanilla bean, ginger, raw cacao, honey, and brandy

Notes: Warming the aphrodisiacs damiana and ocotillo will have particular affinity for the lower half of the body and send blood to the groin.

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VERSACE

Power: Makes You Funny

Flower Essences: Linden, wild rose, Cosmos Mustard

Notes: Cosmos aligns and energizes the throat and heart chakra to work together, so words can be chosen precisely for genuine expression.

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VALENTINO

Power: Tight skin

Face Cream: Rose hydrosol, distilled witch hazel, aloe vera, Jojoba Oil, rosehip seed oil, neroli essential oil, carrot seed, essential oil, frankincense essential oil, St. John’s wort oil, Vitamin E, beeswax

Notes: Softens and yet tightens mature skin.

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THE ROW

Power: Soothes the gut

Cooling Digestive Bitters: Dandelion root, meadowsweet, wood betony, catnip, bitter orange peel

Notes: Meadowsweet is also analgesic.

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GIVENCHY

Power: Grow powerful hair

Strengthening Hair Rinse: Raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar, nettle, horsetail, oatstraw, gotu kola, calendula, rosemary essential oil, lavender essential oil, pine essential oil, sage essential oil

Notes: This will give you horse-girl hair.

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DIOR

Power: Attract a wealthy partner

Divinity Yoni Steam: Handful each, dried: Rose, Jasmine, Lavender, Cornflower, Calendula, Basil, Bay

Notes: Bay attracts love. It has been used to create powerful love spells throughout history.