There are some things beyond the reach of traditional retail therapy—good humor, powerful hair, a soothed stomach. So with the holiday shopping season set to commence in full, we’ve devised an all-natural guide that goes far beyond the quick fix of flashing one’s plastic. In consultation with Morgan Brill, a New York City-based homeopathic expert, we took ten handbags by Dior, Gucci, Saint Laurent, and others, and broken them down into herbal remedies that (we can almost nearly guarantee) will bring power, tight skin, clarified thinking, and youth to anyone who imbibes them.
Empowering Anointing Oil: Yarrow, St. John’s wort, and gentian-infused safflower oil, pine essential oil, cedarwood essential oil, cypress essential oil, rosemary essential oil, and Frankincense essential oil
Notes: Place on pulse points, paying special attention to throat, third eye, and solar plexus chakra, which is in the center of your stomach.
Lunar Fertility Infusion: Red clover, raspberry leaf, dandelion leaf, blue vervain, sage
Notes: Let mixture infuse overnight, outside, in the moonlight (preferably from a full moon).
Rejuvenating Powder: Reishi, nettle, eleuthero, blueberry, beet, grass-fed bovine collagen
Notes: Reishi is the mushroom of immortality!
SAINT LAURENT BY ANTHONY VACCARELLO
Power: Makes You Skinny
Alleviating Oxymel: Fennel, cumin, and coriander seeds, angelica root, dried ginger, raw, unfiltered apple cider vinegar, raw honey
Notes: Dries, stimulates, and moves out stagnant fluids; stimulates digestion; warming and carminative.
Power: Makes You Horny
Female Libido Cordial: Maca, ocotillo, damiana, schizandra, vanilla bean, ginger, raw cacao, honey, and brandy
Notes: Warming the aphrodisiacs damiana and ocotillo will have particular affinity for the lower half of the body and send blood to the groin.
Power: Makes You Funny
Flower Essences: Linden, wild rose, Cosmos Mustard
Notes: Cosmos aligns and energizes the throat and heart chakra to work together, so words can be chosen precisely for genuine expression.
Power: Tight skin
Face Cream: Rose hydrosol, distilled witch hazel, aloe vera, Jojoba Oil, rosehip seed oil, neroli essential oil, carrot seed, essential oil, frankincense essential oil, St. John’s wort oil, Vitamin E, beeswax
Notes: Softens and yet tightens mature skin.
Power: Soothes the gut
Cooling Digestive Bitters: Dandelion root, meadowsweet, wood betony, catnip, bitter orange peel
Notes: Meadowsweet is also analgesic.
Power: Grow powerful hair
Strengthening Hair Rinse: Raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar, nettle, horsetail, oatstraw, gotu kola, calendula, rosemary essential oil, lavender essential oil, pine essential oil, sage essential oil
Notes: This will give you horse-girl hair.
Power: Attract a wealthy partner
Divinity Yoni Steam: Handful each, dried: Rose, Jasmine, Lavender, Cornflower, Calendula, Basil, Bay
Notes: Bay attracts love. It has been used to create powerful love spells throughout history.