Trixie Mattel Is Here For Ryan Murphy and Kim Kardashian, But Over The Hills

Published June 26, 2019

Photo by Magnus Hastings.

Extra! Extra! Welcome to “Softball,” where we ask celebrities of every stripe to give us their take on what’s swirling in the modern hellscape of the 24-hour news cycle.

In this edition, Trixie Mattel—drag queen, singer/songwriter, and professional country clown—responds to headlines snatched from the front pages on Tuesday, June 25th. Mattel, the crowned champion of the third season of RuPaul’s Drag Race: All Stars, has become an unstoppable force of beauty and wit. She recently released “Yellow Cloud,” launched her own makeup line, Trixie Cosmetics, and was the subject of the documentary film Trixie Mattel: Moving Parts, which has been riding the festival circuit since its debut at the Tribeca Film Festival in April. In other words, she is indeed booked and busy. “I think this is the closest I’ve been to the news in a long time,” Mattel told us. “I’m a drag queen. I’ve got real problems.” Here, she goes off on The Notebook, Republican congressmen, and the state of Illinois (“Get over yourself.”)

———

“RYAN MURPHY SETS NETFLIX ‘PROM’ MUSICAL: STREEP, CORDEN, KIDMAN, ARIANA GRANDE, AWKWAFINA, KEY, RANNELLS TO STAR”

(DEADLINE)

“Listen, anything that Ryan Murphy touches, he makes sure that it’s gay and over the top. But it’s always rooted in a ‘relatable-AF-goals’ storyline. I love that. As a gay pop culture commentator, I’m here for it.”

———

“ILLINOIS JUST LEGALIZED MARIJUANA”

(VOX)

“I don’t even smoke marijuana and I know that it’s not dangerous—no one cares. Everybody should legalize it. Move on. Look at Wisconsin: ten of the twenty drunkest cities in the United States are in Wisconsin. People die the earliest and always from alcohol, yet they’re still like, ‘That’s the devil’s lettuce!’ Get over yourself.”

———

“HEIDI MONTAG SAYS THERE’S ‘OLD HISTORY’ TO BE RESOLVED IN THE HILLS: NEW BEGINNINGS”

(PEOPLE)

“Is there a huge demand for hearing about The Hills again? Can we just slam in another season of Drag Race real quick? Do something else. Affluent Caucasians with little-to-no problems? No. There’s too much of that on television.”

———

“MELANIA TRUMP AIDE STEPHANIE GRISHAM NAMED WHITE HOUSE PRESS CHIEF”

(THE GUARDIAN)

“Are we just replacing an unqualified person with another one? Kind of like, worse to worse-er? Who are they going to get to babysit, R. Kelly? Who are they going to get to drive them around, Caitlyn Jenner? That’d be like if they were hiring me to come do the lip-sync. Nobody wins here.”

———

“NOTED SHAPEWEAR ENTHUSIAST KIM KARDASHIAN IS LAUNCHING HER OWN SHAPEWEAR LINE”

(ELLE)

“As Katya (Zamolodchikova, fellow drag queen and Mattel’s co-host on their YouTube series, UNHhhh) says, ‘Spanx are a privilege, not a right.’ Shapewear is lovely. Let’s say you want to get big titties and a big ass—you kind of have to put on some weight in some way or another to get that, and so you do get a little bigger in the middle. Shapewear is the only way you can look like you are so snatched. If you go to the beauty stores, there’s all kinds of beautiful shapewear available, and people take advantage of that. I’m wearing a corset now.”

———

“‘THE NOTEBOOK’ TURNS 15 AND WE’RE STILL OBSESSED”

(GOOD MORNING AMERICA)

“I don’t know who these people are and what is going on in their life that they would use the word “obsessed”? Obsessed? I’ve only watched that movie twice in my life: once when I was 15 and I cried so much. Then I made the mistake, a few years ago, of getting a little wine drunk, watching it on a plane, and I cried so hard that the woman next to me asked me if I was okay.”

———

“U.S. PLAYGROUNDS: FEARS GROW OVER HEALTH RISKS FROM RUBBER PARTICLES”

(THE GUARDIAN)

“I think that, first and foremost, getting the Fortnight and the Angry Birds out of your kids’ hands and getting them outside is probably paramount. It’s the same thing as like, ‘I can’t let my kids go outside, they’ll get sunburned and they’ll die of cancer.’ Okay, well, put some sunblock on and just be happy they’re using their legs, provided they have legs, of course. I just went down a slide a few days ago, it was fun. I forgot I was in full drag, and so basically, head-to-toe, I was covered in fabric. So all fabric on a metal slide with no skin contact—it was a little faster than I thought.”

———

“REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN WANTS TO DEFUND PBS OVER GAY RAT WEDDING”

(OUT)

“Gay rat wedding? Not a gay rat wedding! I have one thing to say to that: defund this pussy. Imagine being so bothered by the love of two rodents who don’t exist—imagine! We don’t care what straight people do at their weddings. We don’t care that they have 48 bridesmaids, and that they all choose the color Tiffany Blue, we don’t give a shit. But people really give a shit about fake rats getting married. Get over yourself. It makes me so mad—do you have anything else going on? In the hierarchy of people’s lives, if that’s the fire that they think needs to be put out, guess what, Mary? Rats aren’t even real. Rats in real life, even. Completely fictional. Have you ever seen a rat? No. Didn’t think so.”

———

“RUPAUL’S MANSION IS UP FOR SALE & HERE’S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE INSIDE”

(LGBTQ NATION)

“I looked at the pictures, I think it’s worth 5 million. It has some really beautiful panoramic views. He probably wants a bigger house, but if you’re RuPaul, isn’t everything a little too small, because you’re fully 7 foot 4? I think it’s wonderful to see her, in this political strife, showing up and shaking everyone down for the queer dollar, and being like, ‘You know what? I do need higher ceilings, and I do need a bonus room.’ I would have loved to see RuPaul on Celebrity House Hunters, because you know she’s probably really bougie. She’s like, ‘This kitchen doesn’t even have a disco ball, get me the fuck outta here.’ I think that she meets up with the tallest people in Hollywood and they have a Scrabble night. It’s her, and Geena Davis, and another tall person, and they all crouch over a coffee table and play Scrabble.”

———

“INSECTS TIPPED TO RIVAL SUSHI AS FASHIONABLE FOOD OF THE FUTURE”

(THE GUARDIAN)

“Oh, mama, no. Just no. Who is doing that? You know who this is? This is sad Caucasians who are trying to do something for likes to spice up their Instagram. ‘Wow guys, today I ate a worm #gymflow.’ I’m ready for June bug-flavored Halo Top. You know what? It’s all about celebrity endorsement. If you get Tyler Oakley to eat a cricket, I guarantee you, crickets are going to go extinct. People will be in the local park chasing crickets with a salt shaker, being like, ‘Jeffree Star told me to do this!'”