Stavros Halkias on Ozempic, Hunter Biden, and Panera’s Charged Lemonade

The comedian Stavros Halkias first crossed my radar in character as Ronnie, a vulgar, die-hard Baltimore Ravens fan who posts front-facing recaps to each weekend’s game, lamenting this play-call or that fumble in a pitch-perfect Mid-Atlantic drawl while waxing poetic about former Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco. Halkias, or Stavvy, as he’s adoringly called, has long since out-paced the niche Charm City comedy scene, playing sold-out shows across the country on his 74-date Fat Rascal Tour, culminating last week in his very first hour-long Netflix special, Fat Rascal. Before it dropped, we tapped Halkias to take this week’s Rorschach Test, in which he sounded off on everything from Greek-Albanian relations to New York’s “pussy-getting” mayor Eric Adams and the embattled son of President Joe Biden.

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OZEMPIC

“You know, I’m thinking about getting zemp’d up. I have some time off coming up and I like the idea of just disappearing and coming back jacked, three months later, after Ozempic and steroids.”

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ERIC ADAMS

“He’s Black Mr. Clean. I have to say, New York’s talent for being the best city in the world and having the weirdest, most fucked-up mayors should be studied. I do appreciate that he’s still a pussy-getting mayor, which you like to see. He’s still out there at the club getting bottle service. I love anyone who is bad at their job and is using it for personal gain.”

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THE TUSH PUSH

“Innovative, beautiful. Was the NBA going to outlaw taking long three pointers when Steph was shooting? No. We’re in the era of the fucking tush push. Let’s enjoy it. And anybody saying we should ban the tush push is a fucking loser.”

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STAT-PADDING

“That’s how Greeks became white. ‘Cause white people, starting with England and then America, just really wanted Ancient Greece to be white. So we got grandfathered in.”

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FILLERS

“When it comes to fillers, breast implants, BBLs, call me Stavros Fauci, because I trust the science.”

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YOUNG THUG TRIAL

“Free him. This is a sham of justice and a railroading, and the truth will come out very shortly.”

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PANERA’S CHARGED LEMONADE

“No one should die at Panera, but if they’re going to, it should be by overeating the Chicken Frontega Sandwich, which is a beautiful sandwich.”

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QUEENS

“It feels right to live in a place where I can hear Greeks arguing on the street. It makes me feel at home. Having said all that, now that I’ve got a little money, I am considering becoming a Queens traitor and moving to Manhattan.”

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DATING APPS

“Dating apps remind me of moving to New York, desperately swiping that first year, where all of a sudden nobody gives a fuck about you. You were the best comic in your town. You were getting accolades. Then you come to New York, you live in a windowless room with four other people. So even if a woman was interested in you, figuring out the logistics of having sex with her in your apartment would be a Herculean task. And then nobody busts and you have a horrible time.”

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HUNTER BIDEN

“If you’re going to live a lifestyle on American taxpayers’ money, enjoy it. Smoke some crack and drive 100 fucking miles-an-hour. Get your dick sucked by a couple of sex workers on a nice cocaine binge. Go whole hog.”

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JOE FLACCO

“The goal is to squeeze as much out of my career as he did out of his. He became the best version of himself. He maximized his talent. He’s a legend. He’s a Super Bowl MVP. Beloved in my home of Baltimore. And I love that he was just a guy. He was from Delaware, dude. That’s not exactly a quarterback factory.”

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ALBANIA

“Keep your eye on the ball. Albania is trying to make us horny with Dua Lipa so that we will stop guarding our northern border.”

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CELIBACY

“I’m thinking about it. I’m thinking about getting rid of all my vices, because that’s what the last two years of this tour has been: a portrait of a man that is losing to all his vices. You’re on the road, you’re getting fucked up, you’re eating like shit, gaining weight. And there’s no way to date anyone, so you kind of give yourself a pass to try and fuck as much as possible.”

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DRAFT KINGS

“Promo code: StavvyWorld. Put a little skin in the game, folks. There’s nothing like spending money you don’t have on a game that already stresses you out.”

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SPANIKOPITA

“One of the finest dishes in the world. We could learn from the French when it comes to desserts, but from a health, freshness, and good taste standpoint, the Greek kitchen is unbeatable.”

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SHEILA DIXON

“If your city is run like shit, you at least want to know somebody’s having a little fun.”

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