The Karley Sciortino Guide to Love in Quarantine

Published May 22, 2020

Karley Sciortino is no doctor, but her expertise has never been more vital. The sex columnist behind the docuseries Slutever knows the perfect panaceas for the ailing (and horny) heart—be it a friend with benefits, a strap-on, or the pursuit of “the pervier side of life.” The pervier side of life, of course, is more difficult to pursue in an age of government-mandated isolation, but Sciortino encourages sex-starved singletons not to give up. With her new podcast, Love in Quarantine, she’s helping us all find (and keep) our soulmates while stuck inside. Below, Sciortino offers a step-by-step guide to dating while social distancing. For starters, just make sure you’re not on mute. —SARAH NECHAMKIN

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STEP 1

“So, we’re all now trapped in our bedrooms. Not being able to sloppily make out with app strangers at the bar is truly frustrating, and instead we’re left having marathon phone conversations in Zoom mullets. But there are ways to keep romance—and sex!—alive, even in the midst of the apocalypse. For instance, we get to pretend it’s the ’90s, and say stuff like, ‘No, you hang up first!'”

STEP 2

“When virtual dating, lighting is crucial. Overhead lighting is a no because it makes you look like you have raccoon eyes and an Adrien Brody nose. And if you’re like me, your nose doesn’t need help looking bigger than it already is.”

STEP 3

“To add to that, know your angles. This is especially vital during FaceTime sex. In the moment, you can’t be worrying about the least unflattering angle to have an orgasm in.”

STEP 4

“This should go without saying, but don’t have anything creepy in the background. You know what I’m talking about.”

STEP 5

“If you’re all Zoomed out, consider going on a social distance date. This basically means wandering the streets six feet apart from your potential soulmate. It sounds awkward, but realistically, even in non-apocalyptic times, the first few dates are always kind of awkward. But that can actually be kinda sweet! Lean into it.”

STEP 6

“Get creative. Virtual dates don’t just have to be conversations. You can cook and eat together, play games, jerk-off, go on walks, read each other bedtime stories—all over your phone.”

STEP 7

“Remember that this, like everything, will come to an end. But in the meantime, try and focus on the potential benefits of this new world of dating. Look, we’re a generation that’s not very well-versed in delayed gratification—especially when it comes to sex. And there might be advantages to being forced to take things a little slower during this time and getting to know someone in a deeper way before getting into bed, since usually it’s the other way around. Sure, you might work out that you hate it. But it’s worth a try, even if just for the novelty.”