A Poem of Existential Dread, by Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande, widely hailed for her vocal cords and ass-grazing ponytail, has become something of an oracle. In the wake of her tumultuous crash and burn engagement with Big Dick Energy-touting comedian Pete Davidson, along with the release of her critically-lauded album Sweetener, she has assumed the status of an icon, untouchable except by a few lucky Twitter fan accounts and Mark Hamill. The just-released video for her song “thank u, next,” chock-full of references to early aughts cinematic touchstones like Mean Girls and Legally Blonde, has garnered over 100 million views, firmly lodging itself in the zeitgeist for at least days— maybe even weeks—to come.

The intensity of the spotlight has revealed Ariana to be a uniquely candid and darkly comic voice in the hellscape that is the Twittersphere. Her feed is comprised of stream of consciousness musings, reflecting on everything from success to dread to Piers Morgan’s misogyny. In the spirit of Grande’s candor, we reassembled some of her recent tweets into an experimental poem à la Jack Kerouac, who surely would be bumping to “thank u next” on the open road.


aaare u down for some of these milk n cookies

funny how things can be so up and down in the same instance

got so much love, thank u next

today’s dilemma: true love might exist i was just hungry

but still, fuck that

my voice is gone i could cry i-

i’m gonna go sob in a corner and i- thank u

next tat thank u i said

‘welp it’s all downhill from here’

remember when i was like hey i have no tears left to cry and the universe was like HAAAAAAAAA bitch u thought

like fuck

thank u

thank u

thank u fuckin